Relationships can be weird. One minute they’re smooth sails, and you are feeling all loved up, and the next, you don’t even know what has gone wrong. You look about and cannot find your man because he has pulled away from you. This can be a hard place to be in, as your mind keeps throwing questions. In this post, we answer one of the most common questions your mind might throw at you when your man pulls back. The question: why do men pull away?
These 10 reasons should offer some clarity, regardless of the stage in the relationship, as to why men pull away from a relationship.
1. He is not ready for commitment
Most of the time, a man would pull away because he’s not ready for the commitment that being in a monogamous relationship demands.
You should consider it a good thing that he has pulled away because even though it hurts, the hurt is nothing compared to what you would have felt if he had stuck around longer.
Sometimes, men know and accept—it all lies in accepting—that they can’t give you all the love they’re capable of, so they pull away when it isn’t so serious instead of leading you all the way in.
In my books, these are not-so-bad guys. Of course, they have done you wrong and caused you to feel played. But they have been honest, at least. (Read: 12 Undeniably Reasons Why You’re Falling Out of Love)
2. Men pull away when they feel played
No one likes to be taken for a fool or for granted. When a man senses his partner is playing him, he would definitely grows detached. People aren’t dumb. Some men get unlucky and have not-so-good-and-honest partners. These partners are so toxic they can pull at the heartstrings of their lovers to see how much they can get away with.
That toxicity is very tiring to any man. There is barely a man in the world who will feel most comfortable in a toxic environment.
Depending on whether or not he loves the woman, he may stick around for some time. But when he has had enough, he is sure going to pull away from her.
Usually, men who pull away from women they consider toxic do so very abruptly; there is no warning. You wake up one morning to find that these men are not there anymore.
Please, it is important to note that someone may think you are toxic when you are really not.
Ask your friends if you come off as toxic. If they say yes, then maybe it is time to work on yourself.
If you want men to stay around you longer:
- Try not to push these men to their limits.
- If he tells you that he can only stand a certain amount of pressure, let him be.
- Don’t put any more pressure on his shoulders.
3. A man might pull away because he feels a relationship emasculates him
As absurd as this might sound, some men pull away from blossoming relationships because they feel emasculated.
There is this ideology that traditional males carry about: they say a man is a head all by himself. A woman, or whatever the case may be, is beneath him. He should neither answer nor be accountable to anybody. Sadly, these sorts of men think the only reason they should have partners is to satisfy their sexual urges or for procreation.
They find companionship, the sole purpose of intimate relationships, restricting. He wants his freedom and independence.
4. The woman has to be dealt with
I watched a relationship program some time ago where the female guest went on and on about how her relationships fail because she never finds men that can “deal” with her.
She talked about how strong (this isn’t a bad thing when put in the right context) she is. She emphasized her stubbornness and sass.
When the other guest, who is male got the mic, he said, and I try to quote how best I can, “the world is hard enough on men. My job eats me alive. My boss deals with me. Making money is a hard chore. I go out there, and I am all but crushed, and the one good thing I want to look forward to is going home to my woman for her to be my peace. I don’t want to deal with all that out there and have to come back home to ‘deal’ with my woman.”
Man… I felt that. If the woman is too hard to be with, too confrontational, abrasive… The man’s gon’ bail. (Read: 10 Reasons Why Men Love Breasts)
5. Lingering feelings for an ex
This one takes the trophy, and it hurts like a bitch too. A friend of mine once had something beautiful going on with a guy but had to call it off because, in her words, “he said he was still in love with his ex.” It was so bad this guy would legit moan his ex’s name when they were having sex!
Well… it is quite understandable that he thought that would be his happily-ever-after but got his heart ripped in the process.
Feelings for his ex would leave your man inside his head, reminiscing on the good old days, or may even leave her right in her DMs.
6. He was just there to have sex
This is the coldest reason yet. If a man’s initial aim for chasing a woman has been to get in bed with her, he will leave immediately after he gets what he wants. Sex. This is mostly found in the behavioral patterns of play or fuck boys.
Men can be very patient. They can wait for months or even years to bed a woman they want. He wouldn’t mind investing all his time and attention in the world. He has had sex, so what’s the use of sticking around? It would be a “ciao, Bella” situation from then. He starts to fade away and gets uninterested or too busy with things that used to leave him on his toes.
This attraction is often fatal as it would end in tears for the losing party.
7. Fear and anxiety
A man in love that pulls away because of fear might be afraid for various reasons. Although his guts tell him this woman is ‘the one,’ he doesn’t want to get hurt, and then he sees a need to create a chasm to avoid future problems.
This fear is fueled by factors like trauma from failed past relationships and lingering hurt, the fear of getting it wrong, and making the wrong choice in his mate selection. Basically, anxiety makes people pull back from making decisions. Men are no exception.
8. He just cannot commit
Some men are just polygamous in nature. The woman might be perfect. He might have no emotional baggage holding him or fear of the unknown. He just isn’t cut out for a relationship.
Even if it isn’t exactly the same, this man is similar to the already talked about Alpha male. The difference is that while the alpha male sees a partner as beneath him, this one basks in the why have one while you can have a lot/they’re many fishes in the ocean idea.
Our guy is a flirt. Prospects of a relationship come up, and alarm bells go off in his head; I’m about to be caged. Retreat.
Asexuality, on the other hand, is a real thing. Since this man has little or no sexual needs, he sees seeking the companionship of a woman as useless. She might not consent to celibacy, and that would cause strains between them.
9. The source of his attraction is not there
It takes attraction for any being on this green earth to want to be involved with another. Although people get attracted to different things in certain people; beauty, sex, character and charisma, money… the point remains that, either good or bad, there must be a source of attraction to get a man into a relationship.
His subconscious looks out for the very thing that took him there in the first place, and once he can’t find it, all he seeks is an escape route.
If, for example, this woman he wants to get involved with has a banging body and he thinks, “oh. She would give me great sex,” but she’s not ready for a casual hook-up, he uses the patient dog’s tactics with the hopes of getting the largest bone, sex, in the end.
He gets in there and suddenly finds out this woman is sworn to celibacy. Except a miracle happens, and he falls hopelessly in love enough to make him want to walk the walk, no force is strong enough to keep him there. (Read: 15 Reasons Why Men Cheat)
10. He cheated
When he cheats, he feels guilty, and he pulls away. The pull is natural. It is even worse when the woman is faithful and a very good person. He feels like a terrible person, and he wants to stay as far as possible from her because he sees her and remembers how he had cheated on her.
This guilt bores a hole in their relationship, and he grows very distant.
When your man gets distant, and at that point, it seems the spark has fizzled or died out, it is usually a result of his own internal struggles.